Dad

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Originally uploaded by texasgawain

Dad... a word filled with connotations. At the moment its a word I can't get off my mind.

Being a father has given me a lot of new insights into the mysterious enigma that is my own dad. He and I are very different in many respects. Unfortunately one of the big differences is communication.

My dad's not a big talker when it comes to his feelings. He'll talk about how to fix something for as long as you'll listen, and he loves to tell stories, but its a conscious act of will for him to say something like, "I love you." He tries though...if I say it first.. he always replies, even though I can tell its hard for him to say it.

Even more than small phrases like that... I wish he could tell me other things about how he feels. Things like.. "I'm proud of you.", or even share his feelings about the events of his own life, such as the death of his father, adopting me, marrying mom, or my step mom.

Sometimes I really really really wish.. so much.. for that sort of simple guidance. Not even guidance really.. just the comfort of knowing that 'he' went through some of the same things, same feelings, same situations that I've encountered, that I'm still discovering.

I have to figure a lot of those things out. I know he's just a man... a regular guy in many ways. But to my heart he's the man that held me first as a child, and so I still return to puzzling over him... again and again, even though there are so many other men who'd be easier to understand. I spend a lot of time thinking about what's gone on in his mind, currently and even more... what he's been through before.

It would be so much simpler if he could just TELL me!

Instead I deduce and infer... from little bits of information, things I hear from Mom, or my Step-mom, or his sisters. I think about those bits of information, and think about my own experiences as a father and I try to piece together.... the things I would tell me, if I were him, and I could speak to me as I speak to my own son. But no matter how smart I am... its just not the same. I WANT HIM TO TELL ME.

I don't feel like a very good son. I love my dad, but I don't spend any time with him. He likes to hunt and fish, to be outside. He likes cars, races, and sports. I'm really not much for wanting to hunt or fish, and I have little interest in cars or sports.

When I see him.. its awkward.. and getting more so as I get older. There's fewer stories for him to tell... less time spent together, and longer silences. I know he loves me, and someone once told me that he's proud of me, but that doesn't make for much of a conversation.

Now he's in the hospital, he's not doing too well after an operation. And I"m afraid, afraid of all that I will lose if he passes on, of all the things he could never tell me directly. I'm afraid and I'm lonely. Most of all I wish I knew if he felt something like this about his own dad. Just knowing that would give me a sense of comradery at least.

I have my own kids now... and I 'think'... that perhaps I'll be able to save them from this confusion and solitude when they're grown. I hope that my own ability to talk and share my heart freely.. will prevent this for them. I really hope so.

But it doesn't make this any easier.... I want MY dad to talk to me like this. I want my dad to hug me the way I hug them. No matter how old I am.. inside me there's a little boy, and this is what he's saying, "I love you Daddy, please don't die."